Five months later, and I'm starting to feel more at home here. Regardless of the fact that my bedroom looks like I moved in yesterday, as I use boxes piled onto each other as shelves where a dresser should be. For the summer, my excuse was I didn't have the time. Which was true, then! But now, with a steady 40(ish) hour work week, I have evenings and weekends. What's stopping me from buying furniture and settling in? I can tell you exactly what's holding me back: My two biggest issues, 1) spending money and 2) commitment. It might just be a couple drawers and shelves from IKEA, but for some reason it feels like a big deal. Even signing my apartment lease felt like marrying the place. I love this apartment, but is it The One for me long-term? Have I always been this way or am I already buying into the NYC truth universally acknowledged that one must always be on the hunt for a better apartment, job, and date?
What's a year in the grand scheme of things? It will fly by, friends say, and I know they're right.
I suppose in the back of my mind I still haven't digested the thought of this move being forever. It doesn't feel like a forever move. I guess I don't know if anything ever will feel like Forever, because nothing is forever, ultimately, right? Good or bad, things change. That's both an enormous relief and intensely scary.
Back in July, I sat on the porch of a former NYPIRG donor in the suburbs. She was elderly and would repeat herself and get distracted, but she was very clearly excited to be chatting with me. I sat for a while as she told me about her years as a nurse at the local hospital and interrogated me about my own life plans. She asked, "Have you gotten a degree? English? Why? When are you getting your next one? What are you doing? What do you WANT to be doing?" Before she'd let me get back to work she made me promise I'd go back to school, insisting that if I didn't do it now, life would get in the way. "Something will come along and distract you. You'll end up married with babies and you'll wish you went back. Do it while you're young. Don't wait." I'm summarizing, but it was surreal -- straight out of a made for TV movie. It was a endearing moment, it was sweet that this stranger wanted to give advice. She didn't mean to be judgmental and pushy, I'm sure it came from a good place. And what do I know about life?
She isn't wrong, what am I waiting for? A master's degree won't just happen to me, out of the blue. Much like a knock at the door from a canvasser: the perfect time for it will never come. You've got to make it happen. I don't know when I'll go back to school or what kinds of different jobs I might do or where I may live over the course of my life. I can say with certainty, however, when I am older and wiser, if a young female activist ever knocks on my door I am going to give her lemonade and life advice. Guaranteed.
No comments:
Post a Comment