One thing I haven't had much experience with is the feeling of homesickness. Until now.
When I went away to college, I missed home, of course, but it was never a state of being for me. It would come and go, lingering for maybe an hour or so at night when the world was quiet and I felt far away. But then I would sleep it off or someone would burst into my room and pull me back into the present and I was fine. Sometimes I feel like I'm so physically consumed by homesickness my chest might BURST. It's only week four and I'm still a fresh NYC infant so I know it will fade. I will adapt! But for now, sometimes it's all I can do to just call my mom and desperately seek an ounce of normalcy.
It's not a complete surprise. I had a feeling this move would be different, but it's still a shock to the system. This move is different because I'm different and so is my family. After so much death and drama my mother, my grandfather, and I became far too codependent. We were living on top of each other, each feeling responsible for taking care of one another, for over a year. It was time to move out and step out of my comfort zone again...but I was extremely comfortable, so it hasn't been as smooth a transition as it was in the past. I'd insert a metaphor here comparing the situation to throwing myself into a pot of boiling water but I actually got second degree burns last week and it's too fresh. Also, it's been really cold in my apartment, so it just isn't accurate.
When I went away to college, I missed home, of course, but it was never a state of being for me. It would come and go, lingering for maybe an hour or so at night when the world was quiet and I felt far away. But then I would sleep it off or someone would burst into my room and pull me back into the present and I was fine. Sometimes I feel like I'm so physically consumed by homesickness my chest might BURST. It's only week four and I'm still a fresh NYC infant so I know it will fade. I will adapt! But for now, sometimes it's all I can do to just call my mom and desperately seek an ounce of normalcy.
It's not a complete surprise. I had a feeling this move would be different, but it's still a shock to the system. This move is different because I'm different and so is my family. After so much death and drama my mother, my grandfather, and I became far too codependent. We were living on top of each other, each feeling responsible for taking care of one another, for over a year. It was time to move out and step out of my comfort zone again...but I was extremely comfortable, so it hasn't been as smooth a transition as it was in the past. I'd insert a metaphor here comparing the situation to throwing myself into a pot of boiling water but I actually got second degree burns last week and it's too fresh. Also, it's been really cold in my apartment, so it just isn't accurate.
The other night it got so cold that I piled on my layers and got under my covers and thought...why did I do this to myself? Why did I choose to leave a beautiful, warm home with infinite sweaters and blankets and pillows and a fireplace and a dog and a fridge full of food for this?!?!? I have one sweater, one blanket, and six packs of ramen -- no hoodie, no comforter, no dog, no fireplace, no food. What am I doing?!?!?! I imagined being home again and I cried myself to sleep. Occasionally I'll be on the phone with my grandpa and I'll just burst into tears. I've never been like this before! What's happening to me? Am I progressing backwards? I was a wild-eyed 18-year-old ready to take on the world! I moved to Europe alone for four months and never spent more than a passing moment missing home! At 24, aren't I supposed to be at peak adventure-ing age?
There must be many reasons why I'm struggling. One being that grief changes family forever. And depression, mental illness, physical illness, more death...It was a lot to handle and it really made me a softer person at my core. I've always been afraid of death. For my entire life, I've hated goodbyes and endings and death. I didn't even see death first hand until I was 22-years-old! Regardless, the concept has haunted me since childhood. Part of me hoped once I experienced it directly I wouldn't be so afraid anymore...But no. To this day, I hate goodbyes and endings and death and I've seen much more of it than I'd like. That's one of the many bags I have to take to therapy to unpack, but this blog is much cheaper than my co-pay.
Am I uniquely homesick because there's no end date for this move? It isn't simply a trip, theoretically it could be forever. I've never moved out forever before. I don't know if this move will work out, I don't know what will happen in the future, but I am making a major move as an adult that could result in me never living at home again. Which is exactly what is supposed to happen, right?! It's the culmination of my entire childhood getting me to the point where I can leave the nest and live on my own. But it's still sad and I am an extremely nostalgic person. Also, I really grew so, so fond of living with my grandfather. He's the sweetest man on the planet and I miss his breakfasts and his TV shows and his hugs. Did I mention the fridge is always full and overflowing? The fireplace is ready for a fire AT ALL TIMES?! I never once saw a wild rat in Brooklyn, OH but they are everywhere here and this is the place I've chosen to be. Who knows why?!
(I do. I know why. It's NYC.)
Am I uniquely homesick because there's no end date for this move? It isn't simply a trip, theoretically it could be forever. I've never moved out forever before. I don't know if this move will work out, I don't know what will happen in the future, but I am making a major move as an adult that could result in me never living at home again. Which is exactly what is supposed to happen, right?! It's the culmination of my entire childhood getting me to the point where I can leave the nest and live on my own. But it's still sad and I am an extremely nostalgic person. Also, I really grew so, so fond of living with my grandfather. He's the sweetest man on the planet and I miss his breakfasts and his TV shows and his hugs. Did I mention the fridge is always full and overflowing? The fireplace is ready for a fire AT ALL TIMES?! I never once saw a wild rat in Brooklyn, OH but they are everywhere here and this is the place I've chosen to be. Who knows why?!
(I do. I know why. It's NYC.)
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